Movie Arguments Aren't Real

I love a good movie argument.

I was watching "Hitch" a few days ago.  During a speed-dating session Hitch and his potential girlfriend, Sara, are arguing about a misunderstanding.  She (wrongly) thinks that he set her friend up with a guy, Vance, just so he could get laid.  Once Hitch realizes the misunderstanding, he leans across the table, already on his feet, and with the attention of the room yells back at Sara, "Vance is a pig, and I refused to take him on as client!"  This was followed by her stunned silence and Hitch stalking out of the room, righteous and wounded.

It's the kind of argument that everyone wants to have, but probably never will.

I've had enough arguments with Dave to know this by now.  Even the times when I think I'm going into an argument lily-white right with both barrels loaded, I never have a clean get-away.  There's always, every single time, a way I am wrong or something I didn't think of.  I have never gotten a chance to make a profound conclusive remark, stomp my Prada heel, dump my dirty martini on his head, and leave the room.

So how come it happens so often in movies?

We project into our stories what we want, like happy endings.  And we like being right, and dramatically publically perfectly so.

But also, movies aren't as complicated as real life.  After they stalk out of the room, they cut the scene instantly to two weeks later when the heat has blown over and they're finally figuring things out.  In real life, you have to sit through every hour of those two miserable weeks, and the plot line of your life doesn't make promises about the resolution like a romantic comedy does.

And while that righteous moment would be awesome, there's a price to pay for it.  Because you get to be right...but that's not the real goal.  Being right doesn't mean you're resolved.  That vindictive moment is a false ending, because if things are going to get worked out, there's inevitably more to come.  And Hitch may have been right when he left the room, but I'll bet my bottom dollar he felt like crap as he walked out.

In the real world, I have to give up my stalk-out rights.  Many is a time I've wanted to turn up my nose and turn my heel, but I know.  I know better than that.  There's a sigh, and a feeling of rolling up your sleeves; and it's definitely not as gratifying as throwing your cocktail in someone's face.  Heck, if that's all it took, I'd carry around a martini glass with me wherever I went.

But real arguments are less like a flying mixed drink and more like a pair of beers at the table.  You sit down.  You talk for a while.  You get to the bottom of the bottle and feel better, feel closer.  It's low on glitz, but highly effective.

But, regardless, I still love a good movie argument.