Day 262

Marriage Is: 

Good Days and Bad Days

As a child, I had an innocent view of life getting better as a straight and steady 45-degree inclined line.  But as life progressed, a different pattern became obvious - waves, undulating good and bad.  It's just the way it is. And no matter what you do, how good you are or how hard working, circumstantial stuff unpredictably affects your life.  Exhibit A: Marriage.  One morning you turn over and are awe-struck by their sleeping face, compelled to reverently kiss their forehead.  The next morning you roll over and inhale their noxious morning breath, and small offenses mount like hash marks on a prison wall:  Left his beer can out last night for me to pick up.  Didn't do the dishes last night like I asked him to.  Didn't breathe right when I told him goodbye before work.  Mental note: give him the cold shoulder and a snide remark about the dishes later tonight.  And sometimes it is that childish, even if it may not be that conscious.  Ride it out and do your part to make it better.  The next bad day will be a little easier, and tomorrow will probably be the next good day.

Consideration

It's harder than you think, really.  To grind my mental gears to a halt and intentionally take time to process "How can I make Dave feel more loved?" is not a natural pause.  I don't think anyone does it naturally, either.  When you're dating it's different - if you only have one planned date night a week, of course you'll put thought into it, you've got 6 other days to think about how to make it good.  But when you see the guy every day and the last three date nights have been catching up on chores, it's a little more difficult.  He becomes your routine rather than your nice night out; he sees my cowlicks every morning so why bother with the charade of nice dresses and make-up?  Because this is special.  Do not allow him to just be your roommate.  Just because he knows what your farts smell like better than anyone else doesn't excuse your nicer side to be lazy.  Put some effort into it and put on a show.  For me, that's buying a box of 30-06 ammunition for Dave and planning a day at the range, but I wouldn't recommend that for everyone.

Losing the Idol

To me, Dave is the safest place in the world, my Safety with a capital 'S'.  So my world got rocked when Dave started having a hard time after we got married.  And I got pissed, because he wasn't doing his job.  So Dave got pissed and confused.  You know how in the Bible, sometimes God's name is written in all capital letters?  I think GOD wants a monopoly on that capitalization - so he reached through the temples of my head and wrenched out that idol.  Man, that sucked.  To watch the burnished bronze scraped away to raw human flesh and feel the impervious arms beneath tremble under my weight.  So Dave hadn't failed.  I was just wrong.  The statue of what I wanted him to be lies splintered at our feet, the ropes used to pull it down still tied at the broken neck; but now I'm standing next to Dave, shoulder to shoulder, bone of his bones and equally fragile.