I've always hated the feeling that comes with watching the cursor blink with boredom on a clean computer screen. Nothing seems to mock me more than to have the space to say something and have nothing to say. I've been getting that response frequently lately and after talking with mom I think it might be because my darn medication is not quite up to snuff. It's definetely closer to par this time around but something is still off, something subtle. I suppose I'll have to wait until my October "follow up appointment" to see if we need to up the ante as far as dosage.
For the first time ever I gave into what I've always felt to be a morbid impulse: I poked about online for information about my thyroid. Although thoroughly entertained by the fact that my condition going untreated in men gives them temporary bosoms, I couldn't tune out my frustration at my own body. I am stuck with this. It is going to mess with me my whole life. I am going to be dependent on medication for normalcy the rest of my days. I guess that's just pride speaking, but I don't want to have that weakness, that uncertainty about whether or not some thoughts are me or my medication (or lack thereof) speaking. Usually I don't think about this kind of stuff, I just take it as it comes because what else can I really do, but every once in a while I come up against obstacles caused by it and am frustrated by it. It's such a little thing, almost intangible because all the effects at this point are basically emotional ones, and i'm irritated at the degree of effect it still has on me.
As far as medical problems go I lucked out on getting this one. Balancing it will be a pain in the ass for the next few months but eventually I'll be down to one perfect pill a day and finally have consistency.
And speaking of consistency...I'm finally moving out. September 17th. For the first time in five years no more two bedrooms, no more two closets, no more two dressers, no more two schedules. I'll have one bed, one place for my clothes, one place where I can always find the shoes I need, one schedule to worry about. It won't be the easiest thing, that I know; I'm gaining 7 roommates, I'll have to remember how to share a bedroom, and will have other aspects of accountability I'll be responsible for, not to mention the new financial burden. But I do think it's the best thing and I believe that God will help me make it work out.
So lots of stuff is changing, but I'm looking forward to the end result, the ripples and effects. As a charming elderly customer reminded me one day, do what you can about what you can and leave the rest in bigger hands - his hands can hold a lot more than ours anyways and do a lot better with it.
For the first time ever I gave into what I've always felt to be a morbid impulse: I poked about online for information about my thyroid. Although thoroughly entertained by the fact that my condition going untreated in men gives them temporary bosoms, I couldn't tune out my frustration at my own body. I am stuck with this. It is going to mess with me my whole life. I am going to be dependent on medication for normalcy the rest of my days. I guess that's just pride speaking, but I don't want to have that weakness, that uncertainty about whether or not some thoughts are me or my medication (or lack thereof) speaking. Usually I don't think about this kind of stuff, I just take it as it comes because what else can I really do, but every once in a while I come up against obstacles caused by it and am frustrated by it. It's such a little thing, almost intangible because all the effects at this point are basically emotional ones, and i'm irritated at the degree of effect it still has on me.
As far as medical problems go I lucked out on getting this one. Balancing it will be a pain in the ass for the next few months but eventually I'll be down to one perfect pill a day and finally have consistency.
And speaking of consistency...I'm finally moving out. September 17th. For the first time in five years no more two bedrooms, no more two closets, no more two dressers, no more two schedules. I'll have one bed, one place for my clothes, one place where I can always find the shoes I need, one schedule to worry about. It won't be the easiest thing, that I know; I'm gaining 7 roommates, I'll have to remember how to share a bedroom, and will have other aspects of accountability I'll be responsible for, not to mention the new financial burden. But I do think it's the best thing and I believe that God will help me make it work out.
So lots of stuff is changing, but I'm looking forward to the end result, the ripples and effects. As a charming elderly customer reminded me one day, do what you can about what you can and leave the rest in bigger hands - his hands can hold a lot more than ours anyways and do a lot better with it.
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