This is Claire and her soon-to-be-husband Alan. Claire is one of my best friends and was my maid of honor. Her wedding is four days from today.
And for the last several months I've been convinced that her wedding day will mark the end of our friendship.
No, really. My paranoia is totally reasonable. Let me explain.
The year before Dave and I got married, two of my best friends got engaged. One was my roommate, one was a friend from high school. I was convinced I'd be a bridesmaid in both of their weddings. And the following June, I sat in the audience for both of those weddings. Since they've been married, I had some tea with my roommate, I had lunch with my high school friend, and I haven't spent time with either of them since.
That June was a difficult month for me. I phoned Claire bawling, asking between sobs, "Am I a bad friend? It *hic* must be something wrong *hic* with meeee!" She tenderly assured me that I am a good friend.
2 years later, Claire is, as of today, 4 days away from her wedding. And her engagement has had some rough parts for my husband Dave, because when I convince myself that my friendship with Claire has an expiration date the same day as her wedding, he gets to nurse me back to normalcy when I begin to hyperventilate.
You'd think this is the part where I tell you I'm not one of her bridesmaids. But that's not true - my Aunt Lori just hemmed 7 inches off a glossy black bridesmaid dress for me. Even though I'm one of her bridesmaids, I've still managed to convince myself that what happened to those friendships 2 years ago will happen with her and I the moment she leaves her reception in a cloud of rice.
My paranoia originally stems from those 2 weddings 2 years ago, but added into my madness is the evolution of our relationship. Our friendship began in November of 2007 when she became one of my roommates, and slept 10 feet away from me for the next 4 months. Our friendship began and was originally patterned while we lived together and had easy daily access to each other. And then came that day in early March when we didn't live together anymore. Obviously, our friendship had to adapt, and the changes tested our relationship.
I went down to Texas the summer I was 21, shortly after getting engaged, to visit my favorite aunt, my dad's oldest sister Diann. And several times I heard her describe a woman in Canada as someone she's very close to because she talks to her on the phone at least once a week. She told me this when I lived with a house full of girlfriends I was constantly spending time with, and I quietly thought it was ludicrous that she could claim to be "close" to someone through phone calls alone.
But now I'm married. And I don't live with Claire anymore. And we're both extremely busy. So I've started the Aunt Diann technique and try to call her once a week when I'm at the grocery store.
It was difficult figuring out what changes our friendship needed to go through - I was used to seeing her almost every day, and now I only catch a quick glimpse of her at church once a week if I'm lucky. It frustrated me. I wanted to sit on the kitchen counter together sipping Crystal Light late at night. I didn't like that I couldn't have that anymore, and despair of change met past paranoia when she got engaged this past spring.
But now, 4 days from her wedding, what I wildly predicted to be our expiration date, I feel peaceful and assured. Our friendship isn't ending - it's changing. I can't expect it to stay the same, but I can hope it successfully adapts to our lives.
And I can see now what the problem with my friendships 2 years ago was: it wasn't that they got married (as I frantically hypothesized), and it wasn't that I wasn't a bridesmaid. The problem was that our friendships failed to adapt after their weddings.
Being a bridesmaid in Claire's wedding isn't what will preserve our friendship - loving tenacity and adaptability will keep us together. I can let go of late-night Crystal Light without letting go of Claire, and I can fight for new creative ways to stay close. And when it comes to Claire, I'm gonna show Darwin a thing or two about survival of the fittest.
And if I someday end up in Canada and she moves to Dallas, I'll call her once a week and tell my skeptical niece that she and I are still close friends. And just laugh when she raises an eyebrow at me.
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