Growing Up

So many things have been going through my head lately. Mostly it feels like a stream of nonsense bouncing off the insides of my skull because some days I don't feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to get in everything I need (or want) to do. Thus why I'm listening to Rascal Flatts' "Backwards" to loosen me up a smidge.

It has been a whirlwind month of adjustment and kicking my own butt to be responsible with my new independence (this past sunday was the one month marker for being in the new house). I think the dust is settling some, especially as I'm getting into the swing of things and should (hopefully) have a smaller and more reasonable work schedule as of next week. But even though I've been stretched and stressed and driven to tears once or twice (for both negative and wonderful things), this past month I think I've learned a surprising amount about myself. Nothing really profound I don't think, after all it's only been 4 weeks, but I've learned things like my limitations as far as my time management, how essential it is to prioritize the people in my life above avoiding necessary conflicts in other areas of life, how deliberate a truly meaningful act of love needs to be, and how much I hate that sick freefall feeling in the pit of my stomach where so many things could go wrong and I just have to trust God will provide what I need. I have realized what a dry and trying time life can be if you lose God at the bottom of your pile of priorities; I have also realized with slow-growing wonderment each day just how much I am given, how truly I am loved, and what an indescribable joy it is to receive and to give, though in different ways.

Another thing that has become inescapable the past four weeks is the sight of my shortcomings. Their presence frustrates me, but I'd rather see them than let them fester. I'm the type who gets comfortable in my identity and needs reminders about how I could be productively loving others, even reminders to love others with similar such rebukes, and living in this new environment has stripped away most of my comfort. I feel myself growing in a way that is uncomfortable and uncharted territory, growing in a way where I'm eventually forced to turn outside of myself or what I've heard in passing and look into things - really look into things - because I want to for my benefit and not for a grade or commendation. I'm used to being told what the end result should be for where I should be now in life and all I have to do is fill in the stepping stones on the way there. Now here I am, given a direction but not a destination, looking over a wide expanse that takes more than just a few standard stepping stones to explore. I am overwhelmed by it looking ahead, but encouraged when I turn and see how much love and support is behind me.