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Day 122

Marriage is:

Finding Out How Awesomely Your Husband Handles Conflict
I could not brag big enough to describe how amazing my Dave is in handling our arguments. Calmly and with a twinkle of humor, he'll take his emotionally over-wrought wife when she's defensive and stubborn and inarticulate and force her to sit down (even if it takes dragging her to the couch and pinning her down) and work through it NOW so it can be done and over with. His conflict skills are revolutionary for me - you mean you can be mad at me AND still love me just as much? You mean it's ok and normal that I make mistakes?? WHY HAVEN'T I GOTTEN THIS MEMO BEFORE? And more, we usually both end up laughing at the end.

The Good Made Better and the Bad Made Worse
Shortly after I got married, unmarried friends were asking me what being married was like. And with all my deep experience of, oh, a month, the first thing I was able to articulate was this: "The good things are a lot better, but the bad stuff is also worse." They nodded and pretended to understand, but I don't think they could. Intimately sharing the victory of a passed test you had both been concerned about or a successful confrontation with someone else that you had sweated and prayed over together...the joys of that "A" and that resolution were doubled in the sharing and they then become opportunities to affirm each other. And the bad stuff...being married makes the bad stuff more complicated. For the one directly suffering, they gain support and comfort, but for the other they have to sacrifice as they said they would in their vows, "for better or for worse". Marriage, in a sense, doubles your opportunity for heartache - my losses belong to Dave just as Dave's failures belong to me. And when your relationship is having a bad day, EVERYthing in your life is made worse by it. And that sucks. But what's more amazing is that the goodness is so good, it's totally, without contest, and unquestionably worth it.

Comfort
This morning I had an early breakfast with a friend and when I returned to the apartment Dave was still fast asleep in bed. It was an overcast Ohio morning, the kind whose cold white light just makes you feel crappy, and I was cold and grouchy and tired. I got under the covers, and Dave pulled my cold body close to him, and within minutes I fell asleep feeling warm and peaceful. There are many days where I'll come home wound up about something and Dave will just take me by the hand and lay me down and curl up next to me until I feel better. Just being in the same room with him gives me this sense of calm and togetherness I have a hard time maintaining on my own.

Learning to See and Say "Thank You"
One of the factors of living in a house full of people was the assignment of house jobs: you may not like having to clean the downstairs bathroom every week but you would never have to clean the attic or the living room ever because those jobs belonged to other people. On your own in a smaller place, there's less space to clean, but you get to do all versions of it yourself. Dave doesn't like washing dishes or cooking and I don't like taking out the garbage or killing bugs and neither of us really get motivated to keep our little place well-organized. So if Dave sees me doing dishes on his dish night, or if I see Dave cooking something for dinner for the two of us, it deserves a notable "thank you". Magic words, those, and they can never be over-used; and if opportunities for "thank you" get over-looked, they add up with interest and a lot more words have to be used later to rebuild your gratitude.

Negotiations of Compromises Among Gifts and Sacrifices
Just because neither Dave nor I like to organize doesn't change the fact that it needs to happen and it won't be done by anyone else, short of paying a professional (side note: can you even imagine being a professional organizer? If I were one, I'd be tempted to insert the nozzle of the chemical cleanser into my left nostril and end my misery). The responsibility of some chores can be successfully divided up, such as Dave taking care of the bills and myself doing the bulk of grocery shopping and cooking, but there's always a few that can't be. When such distasteful chores or tasks come up, you've got one of four options: (1) compromise and split the work (2) choose to do it all and sacrifice for his benefit (3) get lucky and reap the benefits of his sacrifice for you, or (4) sweep it under the rug for another month. This is the mechanism of the common phrase "give and take", and when you get a rhythm it's the most strangely motivating thing. I'll make a plan for our date day together, then 2 days later Dave buys me a perfect bouquet of flowers, and that night I'm in a good mood and wash the dishes he so despises doing, and then I find a note under my pillow 2 nights later, and the following weekend I wash and fold all the laundry without complaint. We're on a roll right now and I hope we can keep it that way.

Perfectly Preserved by Laughter and Gratitude

Comments

trey said…
I am so glad you are making marriage work. I love these little glimpses into the good and bad times of marriage, you are so lovely to share them with us.

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