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Not Sweet 16, But Transitional 18

Recently I've been reflecting more and more on this past year - my 18th year - and how many significant events have been crammed into it. Wow. I've had my first boyfriend, my first time going to a church my family did not, my first year of college, my first driving experience (yes, I know that's sad), my first fully-realized death, my graduation, first time changing jobs, first thoughts of moving out and know where to, my first year running around with plastic in my wallet...my first year for a lot of stuff. And other things I can't even really remember right now but had marveled over earlier. It's just been such a year of...transitions. Learning more and more about fending for myself academically and financially and spiritually and mentally - basically, owning my beliefs whether I believe the same as my parents or not. That's a liberating, but frightening, thought to me. I'm used to dad having most of the answers to things in life and now I've hit this junction where it's becoming a struggle to not just dig my heels in and go against every wish he has. I would never go THAT far, honestly, but still...making my own opinion completely after years of adopting most of his is...odd, to say the least. To work at my beliefs, to own them and know why beyond "well, Dad read the Dispatch this morning". A lot of independence has been happening gradually these past few months, and no, my birthday is still a long way off (April 30th I turn 19) so these thoughts weren't triggered by impending holiday just...thinking alot lately. Which I blame on C.S. Lewis since I recently dove into his daunting The Screwtape Letters which is rich in its philosophy yet sometimes requires a second or third reading to fully harvest the meaning - but those retries to get it are ALWAYS worth the time. He's one of my favorite authors and thinkers ever. And getting into his vein of thought has affected my own recently so I've just been thinking. Just thinking about alot, and how much has happened, and how much harder it is than I forsaw, and yet also is easier in ways I didn't expect - I am tired and stretched 10 different ways and usually stressed and am expecting even more demands on my time but...that's okay right now. I'll figure out a way to cope with it and get by the next couple years paying rent and getting a Journalism degree class by class...just one day at a time.

But I can't help but wonder...if stuff is this complicated and changing at 18, dear god, what will happen when I turn 19?!?

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